Slipping - Diary 38

Can you say, let’s throw diet out the window, say fuck it and eat everything on the south side of the house? Yes we can! And did!

Sometimes we are so good and the pounds drop one by one, two by two and twenty five.

This weekend was a hard weekend, but there have been other ones. This one was hard for reasons I don’t want to detail. I’m at the end of my patience, the tip of the iceberg has been chopped off. Tired of seeing the crazies loose, tired of listening to the daily complaints, the stress of the upcoming wedding I’ll look awful for, and the bullshit of the daily grind. Thank god for that man that I profess love for on a daily basis. He sets me straight.

Freaking migraines that prevent me from blowing my nose without pain.

I gave up today, I ate bananas, strawberries, bread, a freaking donut, hazelnut coffee, some ice tea and a god damn hazelnut coffee (I typed that twice for effect). Yes, I had all that today plus a steak. No potatoes, just tomato and corn as accompaniment. Had to draw the line somewhere. The bread was so good, the sub kind, it melted in my mouth; or my mouth was so hot from drooling the bread just slid through. Sick, I know.

Denial of my current state of affairs drove me to watch 5 episodes in a row of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then RuPauls show for the rest of the afternoon. In between those shows, I went to the market, bought three pairs of shoes (guys, shoes NEVER make you look fat and they always fit), helped my husband with the driveway, my son with his homework, made lunch and dinner, did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the stove/oven and talked to my friend L.

I do a lot when I’m on a self pity quest.

My mom is leaving on Friday with my grandfather so he can have surgery with his dr. in South America, and I won’t be there to help. What if something goes wrong and he dies? Why doesn’t anyone every want to talk about these things, everyone rather just press the ignore button and ride along as if nothing? What if Friday morning is the last day I see the man I love so much? Why can’t he have the surgery here? Why do I feel like I’m about to blow, and not anyone that will thank me for it later?

Well, I just finished watching Sherlock Holmes and now I’m all dreamy of Sherlock Holmes. My friend got drunk all afternoon, and I ate all things bad for me. What a pair we make. I know he’ll be ok by tomorrow, recovering from his personal crisis, while I can’t be sure of what tomorrow will bring. Dude, you sent me muffins and chocolate kisses. I still think you rock big time for that.

One thing is for sure. Lil C calling me aunt S, and sending me kisses over the phone while saying ok ok ok ok made me smile when I didn’t think I could.

Tomorrow I have to start from 0 again, what a fucking drag.

At least I have my sanity.

Hey, at least I don’t pretend my life is perfect…so there.

Note: it’s pretty close to perfect though.

Where was I? - Diary 37

I was taking a break, soaking up the sun, getting a tan, relaxing under a palm tree, drinking beer and not getting drunk, laughing often and with feeling.

That's right, I took a vacation.

With my great husband, my kids and great friends.

Met some cool people but neglected to capture them on film. They don't know I like to blog. I don't think they are the blogging type.

J.A.M.A.I.C.A. mon!, it was groovy. (Does anyone say groovy anymore?).

The food was delicious, fish, fish and more fish. All types of fruits, and veggies by the dozen. Some curry chicken and some other funky stuff I tried a little and liked it. A bartender who made me laugh and knew the fruity drink I liked (without alcohol). Watching grown ass mothers drunk at the bar made me sick. Only temporarily because otherwise I didn't give a shit.

No tv watching, no computer (well, I did sneak that one day for two hours), no cooking (oh yes), no making the bed, no responsibilities other than making sure the kids ate and didn't wonder off. The nanny was a success at the resort, she took Em, and he took to her quickly. The kid was born to have an entourage. Did I even spell that right?



How much do you love how quiet my spot was every morning? lovely view, silence and a lot of beauty.

A lot of peace.

Peace is good.



Some color is always good....
Welcome to Jamaica mon, no problem!

Secrets - Diary 36

Where do secrets go?


If you tell a secret, then it's not a secret anymore.

I know secrets. Sometimes they weight a ton.

So how about this?

I'm letting them go, the secrets that is, well maybe the owners of them. Most didn't deserve my loyalty and love. Keep your secrets I say!

Maybe I'll find a Quija Board...and ask questions. It may certainly hold my secrets. I may not have to speak but think really hard and my fingers will do the walking. One letter, then two, then three....I'll create my own destiny.

Take your crap back, it's weight does not need be on me anymore. I wonder if I will lose a pound or two in the process, I do need it.

The dr. says stress, you have to give up stress. In the movie Angel Eyes the hot dude (oh my god he's hot) says something like...Let's start from scratch and then he points to the empty apartment and says, this is scratch.

SCRATCH bitches.

Honestly, not hating, just cleansing and I've been happy. Which is good, fantastic even.

Tomorrow it's a new day again, and as I dig deeper I scrape the crud that is stuck deep and doesn't want to come out.

On other news, lick me, my new scrub is Vainilla Bean and I smell like a Starbucks cupcake

With a brittish accent I say BRILLIANT
xoxoxox

Shadow 4 - Diary 35

Cam shook her hair free from her tight bun and let out a sigh. Her hair was long, the curls were soft and ticklish against her bare back. She started the shower and waited for the water to get hot enough. She loved this, being alone in her shower with her thoughts and fantasies. For some odd reason lately she felt watched in her living room and kitchen. Silly thought since there was only gypsy living with her. Still, the bath felt secure and private; a place where she could float into another world, one where there was a guy, a home, and she was loved well and often.

She stepped into the tub, picked the Jasmine scented soap and lathered up her sponge. While she worked her body with the suds she transported herself to where she was walking hand in hand with her handsome man. He was tall, sexy blue eyes, crooked smile and resembled the man she saw outside her office building. She smiled and let herself be led to a restaurant, fed slices of cheese and grapes as she drank a delicious Merlot. Their fingers entwined and they stared into each others eyes for hours, talking about their future and how wonderful it was going to be. Their wedding would take place at the Bel-Air Hotel with 12 beautifully landscaped acres of garden….did she visit the website for the hotel enough times at work? Her dress would be simple, classic, something Grace Kelly would have worn, and her cousins would be her bridesmaids. She never got to make many friends so they were the only ones Cam could count on.

She washed her hair slowly and let the suds run down her body while the water hit her face in a rain like way. Her eyes closed, her head back she let the stress of the day wash away, and the feeling of having a wonderful life overwhelm her. Sometimes the tears would mix in with the water and the vivid memory of another life, another time took over. How can something so wonderful only be a dream? She felt it so incredibly real.

Reality hit when the door of the bathroom opened slightly and gypsy wondered in, tail in the air, moving like she owned the place. Such grace for a common cat. Cam took the hint and got out of the shower and dried off. She wiped the mirror with the towel and stared at her reflection in wonder. Her eyes were shiny and her coloring pink, her lips were full as if wanting desperately to be kissed, she grinned and blew a kiss to her image. What’s up hot stuff? Her body suddenly shivered and all she heard in her mind was…goodnight love, tomorrow is another day. . She looked around the bathroom and got her pajamas. Damn, now it was not just a felling, but a voice in her head.

Shadow 3 - Diary 34

He claimed his shadow back right when Cam closed the door to the bathroom. He really had to stop doing this. Every night his self control was less and less, and every night he risked getting caught. She seemed to sense a presence around her but always brushed it off. Sometimes he just wanted to be close to her, inhale her perfume; it was nothing fancy, but it was her scent. Dante never took himself for a male that cared about such things, but lately whenever he passed by a blooming garden his body grew hard from that soft scent. He went as far as going to her bathroom and taking note on what soap and shampoo she used. He was getting old and cheesy. He smiled into the dark and recognized his friends scent.

Hi Derek! You can come out now.

Hey man, I was sent to check on you, it seems you are slacking on the job.

Says who? Dante asked knowing the answer before Derek spoke.

You know, the tight asses up there who want nothing more than to see us fail, just so they can inflict punishment. They love that Sadistic shit. Anyway, dude, your girl is pretty hot. I'm surprised you haven't hit that yet.

In a possessive rage Dante grabbed Derek by the neck, and pushed him hard against the wall. You will not speak of her that way. She's not like the rest. She's royalty to us, and we need to protect her, we are not worthy of even looking at her in the eye. You dig? He slowly let Derek go and his young friend massage his neck which bore red marks from Dante’s strong fingers.

Yeah man, I dig. Sorry. It's just that your reputation is pretty sick. With that, he disappeared into the night. Probably worried that the council had someone spying on them, and would give him a hard time about disrespecting his superior. Dante knew they gave him this job because Cam was not his type. He liked his women lose, blond and if possible attached to someone other than him. Cam might be royalty for the council, he was sure they considered her plain and not his type. She was not plain, she was delicious; from her long muscular legs to her auburn hair with natural red highlights that could only be seen if you got really close, which his shadow did, daily. He got close enough to measure the size of her waist, and how her head would fit perfectly under his chin. That day he had gone too far, he had gotten so close she actually seemed aroused. This was certainly not a game, but he loved playing with fire.

Dante looked to the window up on the second floor and whispered, goodnight love, tomorrow is another day.

Shadow2-Diary 33

Cam drove home thinking of the handsome stranger. He was more than handsome, he was beautiful, but she had only seen him in the shadows. Cam was very shy and because she never thought of herself as a beauty, she had a hard time admitting that anyone would be attracted to her, especially someone of that caliber. Maybe he was really ugly in daylight, maybe he had 3 eyes or maybe he had all his teeth missing. Probably not, he was, Cam was certain, utter perfection. She licked her lips at the thoughts that were crossing her mind. She drove slower than usual until finally someone passed her and beeped the horn loudly. She laughed out loud, she must really be tired to be giving into this crazy fantasy world.

As her car pulled into her parking spot she felt sad. Coming home to just her cat was fine some days, but not so much today. She wished there was a family waiting for her behind the red door of her house. Cam bought this house with a lot of hard work, and insane amount of overtime. Her aunt had kept it in wonderful shape and her kids didn't want it when she passed away. Her aunt Marly raised her after her parents died when she was three. The woman had taught her so much and then has suddenly died at the age of 45 of a heart attack. Aunt Marly had left the house to her two daughters and Cam. Cam made sure she did what she needed to do to buy her cousins out, it had been hard, but she did it. Now, all this was hers, and it was waiting for a family to live in it, Cam thought the house cried out for it. Maybe it was just the cat purring by her leg.

She picked up Gypsy and gave her a kiss on the nose.
Hi baby!, missed me?.
You want dinner?
Sure, it will be ready in a jiffy.
How was your day love? good?. Mine was crazy.
Did I tell you about that new case I'm working on?

Stop me if you have heard all this before. Cam laughed at her conversation with Gypsy. Not because the conversation with a cat was extremelly silly, but because Gypsy was looking at her with very interested eyes. That's a cat for you, had her after the word "dinner".

Across the street, by the alley, Dante stood leaning against the wall of the old deli. His beautiful eyes closed. His shadow traveling across the way into Cams house. He had to stop doing this. He was becoming more of a stalker than a protector. His job was to make sure no harm came to her, that's what the council required. Sending his shadow to spy on her with her cat was not part of the job requirement. He started slow, only checking out the house before she walked in, making sure there was no danger for her. Then he stayed while she talked to her cat, now that was worth listening to, and it made him laugh. She was funny. If you saw her on the street, she was serious, confident and maybe a little stuffy looking. At home, in her pjs and her cat, she was vulnerable, sweet, beautiful, adorable, sexy, kissable, and all those other words that made his pants uncomfortable.

Shadow - Diary 32

I'm doing it again, starting another story. I have so many, I know. Don't get me started. I feel those are "tainted", but one day they will make me want to pick them up and finish them.

It's only practice, I've never said I was a great writer. I've never claimed to be a good one. I just have so many stories in my head that need to come out.

Here we go...again.

*************************************************************************************

Every single day he watches her.

Every day he watches her walk out of the building and into her car. He never says hello or even looks up when she walks by, but he’s watching her.

If it were anyone else it might feel creepy, but he just doesn’t seem the stalker kind. The few times they made eye contact, his eyes were a soft blue and his eyelashes were long and dark. Why she paid attention to such things was not important. She had no intention of starting anything with a stranger that seemed to always be there when she arrived in the morning, and when she left at night.

Sometimes when she left for the night, the building seemed like the scariest place, dark and creepy. She parked where there was a light above her car because she was always the last to leave. Well, not the last, because he was always leaving after she did. In a weird way, it gave her comfort knowing he was there and watching when she left, unless he was just making her feel comfortable so he would attack when she least expected it. Active imagination, she always had a very active imagination. Cam had to laugh at her thoughts, she was probably going crazy from all the overtime she did at the office. He was handsome and so tall. She knew he would tower over her and she liked that. Now that she thought about it, his mouth was not bad at all; full and kissable. She looked around like a fool in case she had just said that out loud although she knew she had not. No one can read your thoughts Cam, you are packing a whole lot of crazy right now, girl! Talking to herself didn’t help her cause.

In the shadows he smiled as he watched her walking towards her car and looking around as if someone was right next to her. He had to stop doing that to her or she would start to freak out and really report him to the authorities. His ability to leave his body and become a shadow was handy when he just wanted to be next to her and feel her presence close. “Shadow” as his friends have been calling him for 400 years loved the scent of her, and he really needed to get a life or finally say something to her.

He practiced in the dark corner the best way to approach her:

-Hi, I’m Shadow.

He shook his head. No. No.

-Hi, I’m Dante, and I think you are the most beautiful creature that has ever crossed my path. Marry me.

He laughed out loud at his last statement. I’m sure that would go well.
One more time.

-Hi, I’m Dante. Would you like to go out for coffee tomorrow after work?

Yes, that would work, unless she freaked out and ran screaming. He was a big guy, 6’4” and pure muscle. His shadow was smaller and less intimidating, but probably way scarier if you didn’t know.

He watched her walk to her car still, trying to gain the guts to talk to her, still fixated in her walk. She had the most incredible walk. Most women were not great walking on those high heels, but Cam was a natural. Her body swayed perfectly and her legs were lean and with enough muscle to know she’s be ok with being lifted into mid air while he…..Stop that! She’s not just a fuck toy. Well, maybe she wants to be a fuck toy. It doesn’t look like she’s been had in a long time; he’s never picked up “just had sex” scent from her. Nice Shadow, talking to yourself is really not going to win you points in the sane department. He was definitely glad his friends were not around to see him make a fool of himself. Finally, when got into her car safely he recalled his shadow and disappeared into the night. Tomorrow will be another day, and maybe he’d have the guts then.