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Offense - Dog running at large. This the latest thing to happen in my wonderful life. My dog decided that she needed a stroll down the main avenue to visit with the kids. By the time my husband noticed, someone had called the cops. Thanks neighbors, you all suck ass. Except my neighbor across the street who took my dog and told the cop to wait for my husband because she is a fucking sweetheart (insert Eminem lyrics here)the dog, not the human. Now my husband has a court date for 'dog running at large'. I was 2 hours late getting home, I'm always home at this time and she's with me.
I wish I could write in my own column, but then would it piss everyone off if I tell their tales? Of course I'd have a pair of expert eyes edit my column, but not so much it would take the feeling from my words. I like my words to convey feelings.
Funny things happen to me a lot. People do great stuff around me, and have the best stories, but I can't share them. How fucked up is that? My kids alone would give me a ton of new material daily. I know I often sport the "what the hell is wrong with you?" face.
It's frustrating to know how fun it will be to write these great things, but I can't. Well, maybe if I change the names to protect the not-so-innocent. No worries, I don't have enough discipline to write everything down, just have some great stories for when I'm old and bored.
Remember the time I said "it's google beoch" and you said, "what is that?" and I said "google?". You said "No, what is beoch"? and I said, "omg, you really need to learn some lingo" and you said, "I'm really out of it, my kid calls me grandma".
I thought that was pretty freaking funny.
How about when my dad told me that he was so distracted he left the house and used the car key control to close the door. He heard the beep from the car that was parked closeby, and thought the door was closed. Classic baby. You can't make this shit up.
This morning E gets out of the car and says - "MOM, see this mark here, it's a spider bite. I didn't tell you, and now the venom is all inside me. I'm Spiderman." I told him, Ok E just don't go trying to climb any trees in your new clothes. What else am I supposed to say?
Yes, I need my own column, preferably in playgirl haha. j.k.
