How low do you need to go? - Diary 1

How low do you have sink before you start to claw your way up? Sometimes we must venture pretty low. I know you may expecting a big confession of sex, drugs, sex, drama…..sex, but I must totally disappoint you; for now.


After months of feeling like crap I decided to be mature about it and call a Dr. Sadly, I had no primary physician and had to do all this research to find one. Well, that’s not true; I did a search with my provider and looked for the one that was closest to my job. I found a Dr. pretty quickly, and I’m glad because she’s wonderful and understanding.


I made my appointment and went to get a blood test two days before. When I got to the building I almost bailed. When you know the outcome of something, and you know the outcome will not make you happy; inevitably you want to bail right? I told myself to grow up and took the elevator. I know I should have taken the stairs but I didn’t know how bad it was going to be or I would have.

The waiting room had a bunch of different types of people, all older and mostly falling apart. I asked to use the ladies room and almost died. A man had gone before me and when he came out and I went in I gagged with such force I almost puked right there. The stench in this lovely decorated bathroom was absolutely disgusting, but like so many months I had to pee so badly it was not even funny. I held my breath and did the deed. When I walked out of the bathroom a nurse passed me and made a face. OMG, she totally thought it had been me who left the horrific stench, but it wasn’t. I wanted to yell it out but the man was sitting right outside and he looked so sad in his wheelchair.


The nurse comes outside and calls me in. The Dr. is this younger woman, maybe a year or two older than me. Get it? YOUNG woman of maybe 42 or so. She has me sit in the chair and proceeds to change my life. All I heard was your sugar count is off the roof, your cholesterol is pretty high, your lives is having problems, but that’s probably due to you not having your gall bladder, blah, blah, blah, you have diabetes. I looked up then and I know I had tears in my eyes. There was no way I just heard Diabetes coming out of her mouth. It made sense, the peeing all the time, losing weight without a reason, pain in my feet when I walked, tired, irritable (that may just be me, not the diabetes). I imagined a whole opening up in the ground and just swallowing me in. I wished for it more than I’ve wished for anything. If I didn’t look stupid, I would have smacked myself a couple of times. It’s not like I didn’t already know this was coming, but I had to get to that low to feel the need to change everything.

This started a whole chain of events....