Dear Universe - Diary 30

I was talking to my friend Lisa about writing a letter to the Universe.

Of course we took this from "Eat, Pray, Love".

My letter to the Universe would go something like this.....

Dear Miss Universe, wait, scratch that...

Dear Universe (don't want to mess with her OR him, not sure, so I'll just stick to not labeling her/him)

Ok here we go...

Dear Universe,

First I'd like to thank you for all the snow and cold you have sent our way. I'm in no way being sarcastic, but I am wondering why you felt the need to do this to us?
Oh, that would Dear Mother Nature huh? oooof

One more time.

Dear Universe,

I want to be happy, I want my family to be happy. I want health and love for my myself, my family, my friends and my followers (now don't say I have never done anything for you).

I would not mind having my body back, you know the one, pre-kids? yeah, you remember. It was an awesome body. I know it was pre-computer and pre-working a lot, and not taking care of myself, but I promise to change if you guarantee is coming back. I'll start right after I finish this milky way. I promise, but remember to give me a sign.

I'm going to throw it out there, but I wonder if there is a chance that Lisa and I can find a huge tub of melted chocolate so we can dive head first when we are pmsing? I want to add that the chocolate need not be hot, warm and bubbly will do. Maybe I should not write these letters when I'm pmsing, but it seems to be the time when I want to let out the most.

Menopause can totally take its time getting here, maybe I can beg you to divert it for say, ever? I don't want to get greedy with my requests, I just think menopause and premenopause can really just stick it!

Simply said, I want love, happiness, health, no menopause and a chocolate tub (with some strawberries to dip if possible).

Respectfully yours,

Sandra

Front and Center - Diary 29

Who are you? really.

Today I was asked to take a poll about friendships. The question was: If you know your friend is doing something wrong that is hurting his/her relationship with you and others. Do you tell him/her? Do you not tell them?

She wanted no "depends". It had to be yes or no. I was on the depends fence until I decided to either say yes or no.

I said YES. It's not always well received though. You can have the best of intentions and get slapped in the face. I'm sorry for anyone that has go through friendship crisis. They can consume you, specially if you truly are a good person and you not sure what to do. Noone wants to be mean and risk losing their friends. Everyone has feelings.

It got me thinking about my past relationships. You can totally put something so far in the back of your mind, yet one question can bring it all right back, front and center.

After a series of unfortunate events, I learned to be teflon and not sponge. People can be vicious, but I make no excuses, I let myself be dragged there, to the bottom of the pit. To be honest, I really wanted to be a part of a fun group, to fit in, to do what I've always read about; fun vacations, sharing books, sob stories, dreams...you get the point.
There is a very dark side to friendships, they can end in a very cruel way. Again, no excuses, I really had fun for a while.

Have you ever become so fascinated with a group of people that you know you best step off, but you just can't? That was me. Two years of it. But it wasn't all a waste. I did manage to salvage some friendships that were neglected while the saga was going on. I got my sanity back and I can't blame anyone for it going away.

I am lucky. My family always came first and they pulled me right back up. Eventually, I also pulled myself back up, and have not looked back, no need to regret anything. Experiences make you grow and become a better human being. I was a good person before, now I'm a better person that is a lot more guarded.

This is my story, my diary, not a literary gem. Just my experience, and I'm lucky. It's all going back to that place where I really don't need access to.

I love you - Diary 28

That is the man I love since I can remember!

He's 83, forgetfull and sometimes pretty lost.

He may not remember me at all soon, but I remember him always.

Next week I have to ask my boss if he'll allow me to work from home, so my mom can go take care of some things. I'm afraid to do the wrong thing, to not be good enough. I'm always afraid of not being good enough. The H is awesome in these situations and he always knows what to do, and what to help with.

This week I'll be working more hours because my co-worker will be on a WELL DESERVED vacation. I have to remember a bunch of things to do and after the first day it's all routine. I could have called the temp agency but teaching someone the routine takes longer than the week she's off.

We had a great dinner with friends last night. My friend J made strawberry short cake from scratch. It was so delicious as was the dinner I made (hee hee). I tried some Jamaican beer they brought but I still like blue moon with a slice of orange the best.

Jamaica here we come :)

Tripping - Diary 27

Every journey starts with a small step….

As does love.

Sometimes many steps later you need to start all over again. Small steps towards regaining the love you’ve lost.

Is it worth it?

Starting the steps, with new shoes and all?

Depends.

Where did you trip? At what point of your relationship did you start stumbling that you forgot to walk forward. You missed one step, then two, then you completely forgot where you were going.

Are we meant to be monogamous?

What a tricky question.

What do you think? Are we meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives?

Sometimes you can trip, but if you clean your shoes and keep going, is that ok? Will your shoes have signs of wear and tear?

When do you change shoes? Maybe it is best to not fix the shoes you have and keep going because, alterations can be dangerous. Mending is not always the best way to keep things the same.

I’ve been noticing a trend in the tripping department.

.......this is where it begins.

Remembering - Diary 26

All over the place. That’s how my mind feels lately. All over the place.

The weekend was slamming. I went out with friends into the city and had dinner at a fantastic French restaurant and went to some fun clubs. Some of those images will never leave my mind. Watching a 60 year old chick get her ass smacked is not my idea of a good time. Who am I kidding? I loved it.

I have been hanging out with my grandpa every day after work and I enjoy it for the most part.

Keeping a positive attitude is hard when the man you adore forgets he saw you yesterday. Everyday I get the opportunity to make a new fresh impression on him. He remembers the past and loves to talk about things, but today, five minutes ago, that’s gone in a flash. Swoosh, gone. I ask him a lot of questions about the past, about his childhood. I’m trying to get all the information I didn’t pay close attention to before.

There were 8 of them in the house and when his parents asked them to take a nap he would go to their room. To him it looked like a hospital. All the beds lined up one next to the other. Boys and girls. He said his prettiest sister was Josefina and I ask him, “do I look like her?” and he says “yes, you look just like her”. My dad says, “no, I heard you looked like his sister Maria” but my grandpa argues, “I knew my sisters, I know which she looks like and Josefina was the prettiest one”. I love it. My ego gets fed every night and as selfish as that may sound, I will take it. I need it right now.

He’s gone to my uncles house for the weekend. I’m sure they will be really nice to him, but I’ll miss my nightly visit to my moms house to spend a while “shooting the shit” and asking a million questions.

He still mentions his gf but less and less every day. He has sudden attack of “where am I?“ “why am I here?“, but not when I’m around. Maybe because I push him into another time, another place and he tells me stories. I feel like I want to tape him, write it all down. I don’t know what to do, but I want to do something.

V had his last day today. I will miss him so much. I wanted to give him something to remember me by so I got him a new James Patterson book that came out this week, and a funny card. I think he liked the gift and I hope he has fun reading his favorite author. Things are always changing, people are always moving on. Does it look bad that I don’t move on? Weak? Or can it be that I like what I do. A more positive attitude is what I have to acquire starting next week. Vs departure made me sad and maybe my attitude was not so good the past week.

A got to go out today and I think she had a good time. She didn’t come home as excited as she usually does, but I didn’t want to pry. Sometimes she can keep things to herself and share when she feels like it. She is planning for another party here next week and I’m glad. I hope they keep enjoying the house and the fun things they can do here.

I learned that my friend L lost her dad a few days ago. I’m so sorry for her, I’m not sure what else to say. I’m sorry you lost your dad and I’m glad you were there to spend time with him.

Well, more later.

BTW, I had such a bad day today I ate 3 godiva chocolates at the mall and bought a sound system for my husband for Valentines Day. At least I avoided the tattoo parlors, it was tempting. A big LOSER tattoo on my forehead. Nah, I shall come out VICTORIOUS, why? Because my grandpa thinks I’m amazing.

She loved him - Diary 24

Then….

She said she loved him forever.
She made sure she was the only one with him at all times.
She tried every which way to cut ties with the family.
She told me many times he was not around when he was.
She told him we didn't care.
She told him I never called, when I did.
She gossiped and lied to make everyone divided.
She caused all this trouble because she was afraid to be left alone.
She hurt my family and she hurt me. We let her.

Now….

She told more than one person she could not take it anymore.
She thought we’d help her with him.
She continues to lie.
She told everyone we didn’t care.
She stole.
She tried to dirty his name.
She made up conversations to be hurtful.
She didn’t count on me outing her.
She is all alone.
She will never see him again.
She’s 80 years old and not one person gives a shit about her.

One of the most important men in my life is with me again. I have the most conflicting feelings. If they (my dad and uncle) had brought him to live with us two years ago when I told them he was slipping, we could have enjoyed him healthier. Now he forgets everything. Not the past, he recalls that vividly. The present, that he saw you, that he hugged you, that, he forgets within minutes.

In the last week I’ve had to repeat my kids age, where they are, where my husband is, where I was about 100 times. Yet I cut his nails on Monday, and when I asked him on Tuesday and Wednesday who cut his nails, he says. Well, you did!. Exercise the mind I say and, I get laughed at.

He remembers riding his bike with me on it when I was 4 and 5. He recalls clearly taking me to the nun school everyday and how much I loved the bike ride. How happy we were together. He remembers what a wonderful man my husband is, how much he loves me, and how he taught me to cook. He eats my cooking and makes me feel like I could own a 5 star restaurant. He always did that for me. Made me feel special and yet, I abandoned him for years because I just didn’t fight hard enough to have him around. He mentioned her twenty times a day the first few days because he doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t realize her mind is fine and she’s sick of him. I wonder how happy she’ll be with her mind intact and all alone, yet for the first few days he missed her and wanted to call her all the time. Yesterday he only mentioned her twice and none when I was around. Maybe he sensed that I don’t like hearing her name, but I will not be disrespectful and say something mean.

My kids are happy with him here. I told E that grandpa didn’t have any friends right now so he went over and played with grandpa. Unfortunately E doesn’t like to speak Spanish so he’s found a way for them to understand each other. Grandpa has been a kid at heart for as long as I remember. A loves playing cards which means she’s found her perfect partner. Grandpa played cards with me a zillion times. Exercise the mind I say, and I get laughed at.

Today I get to do it all over again, and I don’t mind it one bit as long as he remembers riding his bike with me on it and taking me to school.

To be continued….