Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I now know - Diary 21

I now know, after watching House last night that I was friends with a Psychopath and didn't know it. Someone with no feelings or guilt, someone that manipulated situations and people in order to get his way. I was so shocked, yet relieved to figure this out. I'm glad we are not friends anymore. It was emotionally draining, mentally draining, psychologically draining, you get my drift. Maybe seeing similar tendecies in others is what has made me scared of friendships. Someone who would change the story so quickly and well, you'd believe anything from him.

-This is what my friend D called me to say last night. I had to go on HULU and wait for the episode to get posted, watch and I totally got it. Everyone knows someone that manipulates the story, situation and people and has no guilt. I've always stood by "if I know how the person is, then I know how much I can trust them (or not), and I know how long I can deal with it".
Still, I thought it was so funny to get a phone call like that at 10pm. I knew a Psychopath.....silence......ok. We all need help and we all can act psycho one day or another, right?

psychopath Pictures, Images and Photos

I was not feeling well yesterday. I was upset, sad, frustrated, pissy, tired, moody and my boobs hurt. I got home after I picked up my son, took off my clothes and got into bed. I didn't move from there until 7pm. My son checked on me twice to see if I was breathing I think. I could not go to sleep either because....my brain kept going 120 miles per minute. I hate it when you re-live moments or conversations in your mind and you can't change the outcome. You want to tell someone to piss off or fuck off but you don't. You want to explain yourself but end up sounding like a fool. Again. And again. And yet again. Good news, my sugar was pretty low afterwards. Must have been all those meals I missed yesterday.

A and the H were doing fine on their own. The H came up, took a look at me and left. He proceeded to make some tortellinis because that is as far as his cooking skills go (I know he can cook, he just doesn't want to). A did her homework and then around 6:30 came to lay down next to me and watch TV while I hid under the covers. Promptly at 7, I got up, shook it off and went down to finish dinner. A made brownies and I had one (ok 2) after watching Castle.

I realized that if I were not around, my family would do just fine. That if I take some time for myself, it is not going to kill them or me. I won't suck as a mom if I don't always have it together and the laundry always done. GOOOOOODDDDDD I hate it when the laundry piles up.

I love my family, but I love that they can handle life if I'm not around. I may hide today again. Who knows.

Yeap, this was all about me.

Peace out!

Thanks my sweet stalker....


Anonymous said...

Just because people can handle, doesn't mean they like it. Or maybe they're really good fakers.

cheryl said...

i need to learn how to do that... take some "me" time... oh wait, i might need a husband to do that... dammit! well it was a nice thought for half a second... now on to put out 10 fires at the office! love ya! glad you took some time babe! you deserve it and then some!


Laura said...

Sometimes we just take way more than we can deal with...Feeling drained is a sign that the cup runneth over. It's terrible.
People like the ones you described are just like poison. If you let them in, they'll sell you the drug and you'll buy it...Then one day you'll start feeling nauseous.

I'm glad you're in a better place now. You deserve good (and sane) people in your life.
Keep those blood sugar levels normal and allow yourself to do nothing from time to time, too. ;)


Blasé said...

was that 'good', or 'god'??

That Gal Kiki said...

Secret Diary of a Call Girl will be back on soon. That, with a bubble bath would do the trick in my book. Alone time is golden. Happy to hear you marinate in solitude for yourself sometimes. :)

For the record, you couldn't suck as a mom if you tried.

SM said...

mah sweet stalker: They were fine :) but not wanting me to do the same the next day.

Cheryl: a husband or wife is always nice but if not, then the kids can fend for themselves an hour or two.

Laura: We can all be psychos at one point or another. I just thought it was funny that this was the way she started the phone call. But I understand what you are saying. I just need to not have to get to a breakdown point to take some time.

Blase: god, cause good would not sound right I guess.

That Gal Kiki: in a book? that's good. Alone time IS golden. Not sucking as mom would be the one thing that would make me extremely happy.