What's in there

I have not written in a while, and it's not for lack of material.

While I've been gone, I've read an entire series by JR Ward about hot vampire men. I've re-organized my closet, my daughters closet and my son's closet. I didn't let them touch a thing for a week. Thankfully for them, I'm over it.

Two nights ago my husband asked me if my mind was ever blank. He thinks I'm always thinking and thinking...and thinking. Sadly he's right. I think too much, I tear situations apart in my mind to the point that they end up dust. Not the best thing to do. I was thinking about what he asked me when I picked this red piece of thread from my jacket and let it fall to the ground. I'm happy to report that while I watched that thread dance in the air and softly hit the carpet, my mind was blank. Promptly after it hit the ground I started thinking about weight. Someone really light and think will fall to the ground and it might be as graceful as the threat whereas a heavy person like me would not look so graceful. I started thinking how much I miss being graceful and thin. I got in the car and looked in the mirror. To my horror there was that hair that continues to come out on my chin. This fucker doesn't know when to stop. I pulled it, winced and thought back to the thread. I can't explain how pretty the dance it did in the air was. I suggest you take a piece of red thread and let it go, watch it fall, and be delighted by the dance. Your mind will just be blank.

Anyway, I remembered I had this account and thought it fit to come and see if my words to the universe were heard by anyone.

Hello, anyone out there?

A hope - Diary 40

Offense - Dog running at large. This the latest thing to happen in my wonderful life. My dog decided that she needed a stroll down the main avenue to visit with the kids. By the time my husband noticed, someone had called the cops. Thanks neighbors, you all suck ass. Except my neighbor across the street who took my dog and told the cop to wait for my husband because she is a fucking sweetheart (insert Eminem lyrics here)the dog, not the human. Now my husband has a court date for 'dog running at large'. I was 2 hours late getting home, I'm always home at this time and she's with me.

I wish I could write in my own column, but then would it piss everyone off if I tell their tales? Of course I'd have a pair of expert eyes edit my column, but not so much it would take the feeling from my words. I like my words to convey feelings.

Funny things happen to me a lot. People do great stuff around me, and have the best stories, but I can't share them. How fucked up is that? My kids alone would give me a ton of new material daily. I know I often sport the "what the hell is wrong with you?" face.

It's frustrating to know how fun it will be to write these great things, but I can't. Well, maybe if I change the names to protect the not-so-innocent. No worries, I don't have enough discipline to write everything down, just have some great stories for when I'm old and bored.

Remember the time I said "it's google beoch" and you said, "what is that?" and I said "google?". You said "No, what is beoch"? and I said, "omg, you really need to learn some lingo" and you said, "I'm really out of it, my kid calls me grandma".
I thought that was pretty freaking funny.

How about when my dad told me that he was so distracted he left the house and used the car key control to close the door. He heard the beep from the car that was parked closeby, and thought the door was closed. Classic baby. You can't make this shit up.

This morning E gets out of the car and says - "MOM, see this mark here, it's a spider bite. I didn't tell you, and now the venom is all inside me. I'm Spiderman." I told him, Ok E just don't go trying to climb any trees in your new clothes. What else am I supposed to say?

Yes, I need my own column, preferably in playgirl haha. j.k.

Random - Diary 39

I've been to the motherfucking mountain top
Heard motherfuckers talk, seen 'em drop
If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock
And when I bust yo ass I'm gonna continue to rock
Get you ass of the wall with your two left feet
It's real easy just follow the beat

How I love you EMINEM.

That is all for today folks.

;)

Slipping - Diary 38

Can you say, let’s throw diet out the window, say fuck it and eat everything on the south side of the house? Yes we can! And did!

Sometimes we are so good and the pounds drop one by one, two by two and twenty five.

This weekend was a hard weekend, but there have been other ones. This one was hard for reasons I don’t want to detail. I’m at the end of my patience, the tip of the iceberg has been chopped off. Tired of seeing the crazies loose, tired of listening to the daily complaints, the stress of the upcoming wedding I’ll look awful for, and the bullshit of the daily grind. Thank god for that man that I profess love for on a daily basis. He sets me straight.

Freaking migraines that prevent me from blowing my nose without pain.

I gave up today, I ate bananas, strawberries, bread, a freaking donut, hazelnut coffee, some ice tea and a god damn hazelnut coffee (I typed that twice for effect). Yes, I had all that today plus a steak. No potatoes, just tomato and corn as accompaniment. Had to draw the line somewhere. The bread was so good, the sub kind, it melted in my mouth; or my mouth was so hot from drooling the bread just slid through. Sick, I know.

Denial of my current state of affairs drove me to watch 5 episodes in a row of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then RuPauls show for the rest of the afternoon. In between those shows, I went to the market, bought three pairs of shoes (guys, shoes NEVER make you look fat and they always fit), helped my husband with the driveway, my son with his homework, made lunch and dinner, did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the stove/oven and talked to my friend L.

I do a lot when I’m on a self pity quest.

My mom is leaving on Friday with my grandfather so he can have surgery with his dr. in South America, and I won’t be there to help. What if something goes wrong and he dies? Why doesn’t anyone every want to talk about these things, everyone rather just press the ignore button and ride along as if nothing? What if Friday morning is the last day I see the man I love so much? Why can’t he have the surgery here? Why do I feel like I’m about to blow, and not anyone that will thank me for it later?

Well, I just finished watching Sherlock Holmes and now I’m all dreamy of Sherlock Holmes. My friend got drunk all afternoon, and I ate all things bad for me. What a pair we make. I know he’ll be ok by tomorrow, recovering from his personal crisis, while I can’t be sure of what tomorrow will bring. Dude, you sent me muffins and chocolate kisses. I still think you rock big time for that.

One thing is for sure. Lil C calling me aunt S, and sending me kisses over the phone while saying ok ok ok ok made me smile when I didn’t think I could.

Tomorrow I have to start from 0 again, what a fucking drag.

At least I have my sanity.

Hey, at least I don’t pretend my life is perfect…so there.

Note: it’s pretty close to perfect though.

Where was I? - Diary 37

I was taking a break, soaking up the sun, getting a tan, relaxing under a palm tree, drinking beer and not getting drunk, laughing often and with feeling.

That's right, I took a vacation.

With my great husband, my kids and great friends.

Met some cool people but neglected to capture them on film. They don't know I like to blog. I don't think they are the blogging type.

J.A.M.A.I.C.A. mon!, it was groovy. (Does anyone say groovy anymore?).

The food was delicious, fish, fish and more fish. All types of fruits, and veggies by the dozen. Some curry chicken and some other funky stuff I tried a little and liked it. A bartender who made me laugh and knew the fruity drink I liked (without alcohol). Watching grown ass mothers drunk at the bar made me sick. Only temporarily because otherwise I didn't give a shit.

No tv watching, no computer (well, I did sneak that one day for two hours), no cooking (oh yes), no making the bed, no responsibilities other than making sure the kids ate and didn't wonder off. The nanny was a success at the resort, she took Em, and he took to her quickly. The kid was born to have an entourage. Did I even spell that right?



How much do you love how quiet my spot was every morning? lovely view, silence and a lot of beauty.

A lot of peace.

Peace is good.



Some color is always good....
Welcome to Jamaica mon, no problem!

Secrets - Diary 36

Where do secrets go?


If you tell a secret, then it's not a secret anymore.

I know secrets. Sometimes they weight a ton.

So how about this?

I'm letting them go, the secrets that is, well maybe the owners of them. Most didn't deserve my loyalty and love. Keep your secrets I say!

Maybe I'll find a Quija Board...and ask questions. It may certainly hold my secrets. I may not have to speak but think really hard and my fingers will do the walking. One letter, then two, then three....I'll create my own destiny.

Take your crap back, it's weight does not need be on me anymore. I wonder if I will lose a pound or two in the process, I do need it.

The dr. says stress, you have to give up stress. In the movie Angel Eyes the hot dude (oh my god he's hot) says something like...Let's start from scratch and then he points to the empty apartment and says, this is scratch.

SCRATCH bitches.

Honestly, not hating, just cleansing and I've been happy. Which is good, fantastic even.

Tomorrow it's a new day again, and as I dig deeper I scrape the crud that is stuck deep and doesn't want to come out.

On other news, lick me, my new scrub is Vainilla Bean and I smell like a Starbucks cupcake

With a brittish accent I say BRILLIANT
xoxoxox

Shadow 4 - Diary 35

Cam shook her hair free from her tight bun and let out a sigh. Her hair was long, the curls were soft and ticklish against her bare back. She started the shower and waited for the water to get hot enough. She loved this, being alone in her shower with her thoughts and fantasies. For some odd reason lately she felt watched in her living room and kitchen. Silly thought since there was only gypsy living with her. Still, the bath felt secure and private; a place where she could float into another world, one where there was a guy, a home, and she was loved well and often.

She stepped into the tub, picked the Jasmine scented soap and lathered up her sponge. While she worked her body with the suds she transported herself to where she was walking hand in hand with her handsome man. He was tall, sexy blue eyes, crooked smile and resembled the man she saw outside her office building. She smiled and let herself be led to a restaurant, fed slices of cheese and grapes as she drank a delicious Merlot. Their fingers entwined and they stared into each others eyes for hours, talking about their future and how wonderful it was going to be. Their wedding would take place at the Bel-Air Hotel with 12 beautifully landscaped acres of garden….did she visit the website for the hotel enough times at work? Her dress would be simple, classic, something Grace Kelly would have worn, and her cousins would be her bridesmaids. She never got to make many friends so they were the only ones Cam could count on.

She washed her hair slowly and let the suds run down her body while the water hit her face in a rain like way. Her eyes closed, her head back she let the stress of the day wash away, and the feeling of having a wonderful life overwhelm her. Sometimes the tears would mix in with the water and the vivid memory of another life, another time took over. How can something so wonderful only be a dream? She felt it so incredibly real.

Reality hit when the door of the bathroom opened slightly and gypsy wondered in, tail in the air, moving like she owned the place. Such grace for a common cat. Cam took the hint and got out of the shower and dried off. She wiped the mirror with the towel and stared at her reflection in wonder. Her eyes were shiny and her coloring pink, her lips were full as if wanting desperately to be kissed, she grinned and blew a kiss to her image. What’s up hot stuff? Her body suddenly shivered and all she heard in her mind was…goodnight love, tomorrow is another day. . She looked around the bathroom and got her pajamas. Damn, now it was not just a felling, but a voice in her head.

Shadow 3 - Diary 34

He claimed his shadow back right when Cam closed the door to the bathroom. He really had to stop doing this. Every night his self control was less and less, and every night he risked getting caught. She seemed to sense a presence around her but always brushed it off. Sometimes he just wanted to be close to her, inhale her perfume; it was nothing fancy, but it was her scent. Dante never took himself for a male that cared about such things, but lately whenever he passed by a blooming garden his body grew hard from that soft scent. He went as far as going to her bathroom and taking note on what soap and shampoo she used. He was getting old and cheesy. He smiled into the dark and recognized his friends scent.

Hi Derek! You can come out now.

Hey man, I was sent to check on you, it seems you are slacking on the job.

Says who? Dante asked knowing the answer before Derek spoke.

You know, the tight asses up there who want nothing more than to see us fail, just so they can inflict punishment. They love that Sadistic shit. Anyway, dude, your girl is pretty hot. I'm surprised you haven't hit that yet.

In a possessive rage Dante grabbed Derek by the neck, and pushed him hard against the wall. You will not speak of her that way. She's not like the rest. She's royalty to us, and we need to protect her, we are not worthy of even looking at her in the eye. You dig? He slowly let Derek go and his young friend massage his neck which bore red marks from Dante’s strong fingers.

Yeah man, I dig. Sorry. It's just that your reputation is pretty sick. With that, he disappeared into the night. Probably worried that the council had someone spying on them, and would give him a hard time about disrespecting his superior. Dante knew they gave him this job because Cam was not his type. He liked his women lose, blond and if possible attached to someone other than him. Cam might be royalty for the council, he was sure they considered her plain and not his type. She was not plain, she was delicious; from her long muscular legs to her auburn hair with natural red highlights that could only be seen if you got really close, which his shadow did, daily. He got close enough to measure the size of her waist, and how her head would fit perfectly under his chin. That day he had gone too far, he had gotten so close she actually seemed aroused. This was certainly not a game, but he loved playing with fire.

Dante looked to the window up on the second floor and whispered, goodnight love, tomorrow is another day.

Shadow2-Diary 33

Cam drove home thinking of the handsome stranger. He was more than handsome, he was beautiful, but she had only seen him in the shadows. Cam was very shy and because she never thought of herself as a beauty, she had a hard time admitting that anyone would be attracted to her, especially someone of that caliber. Maybe he was really ugly in daylight, maybe he had 3 eyes or maybe he had all his teeth missing. Probably not, he was, Cam was certain, utter perfection. She licked her lips at the thoughts that were crossing her mind. She drove slower than usual until finally someone passed her and beeped the horn loudly. She laughed out loud, she must really be tired to be giving into this crazy fantasy world.

As her car pulled into her parking spot she felt sad. Coming home to just her cat was fine some days, but not so much today. She wished there was a family waiting for her behind the red door of her house. Cam bought this house with a lot of hard work, and insane amount of overtime. Her aunt had kept it in wonderful shape and her kids didn't want it when she passed away. Her aunt Marly raised her after her parents died when she was three. The woman had taught her so much and then has suddenly died at the age of 45 of a heart attack. Aunt Marly had left the house to her two daughters and Cam. Cam made sure she did what she needed to do to buy her cousins out, it had been hard, but she did it. Now, all this was hers, and it was waiting for a family to live in it, Cam thought the house cried out for it. Maybe it was just the cat purring by her leg.

She picked up Gypsy and gave her a kiss on the nose.
Hi baby!, missed me?.
You want dinner?
Sure, it will be ready in a jiffy.
How was your day love? good?. Mine was crazy.
Did I tell you about that new case I'm working on?

Stop me if you have heard all this before. Cam laughed at her conversation with Gypsy. Not because the conversation with a cat was extremelly silly, but because Gypsy was looking at her with very interested eyes. That's a cat for you, had her after the word "dinner".

Across the street, by the alley, Dante stood leaning against the wall of the old deli. His beautiful eyes closed. His shadow traveling across the way into Cams house. He had to stop doing this. He was becoming more of a stalker than a protector. His job was to make sure no harm came to her, that's what the council required. Sending his shadow to spy on her with her cat was not part of the job requirement. He started slow, only checking out the house before she walked in, making sure there was no danger for her. Then he stayed while she talked to her cat, now that was worth listening to, and it made him laugh. She was funny. If you saw her on the street, she was serious, confident and maybe a little stuffy looking. At home, in her pjs and her cat, she was vulnerable, sweet, beautiful, adorable, sexy, kissable, and all those other words that made his pants uncomfortable.

Shadow - Diary 32

I'm doing it again, starting another story. I have so many, I know. Don't get me started. I feel those are "tainted", but one day they will make me want to pick them up and finish them.

It's only practice, I've never said I was a great writer. I've never claimed to be a good one. I just have so many stories in my head that need to come out.

Here we go...again.

*************************************************************************************

Every single day he watches her.

Every day he watches her walk out of the building and into her car. He never says hello or even looks up when she walks by, but he’s watching her.

If it were anyone else it might feel creepy, but he just doesn’t seem the stalker kind. The few times they made eye contact, his eyes were a soft blue and his eyelashes were long and dark. Why she paid attention to such things was not important. She had no intention of starting anything with a stranger that seemed to always be there when she arrived in the morning, and when she left at night.

Sometimes when she left for the night, the building seemed like the scariest place, dark and creepy. She parked where there was a light above her car because she was always the last to leave. Well, not the last, because he was always leaving after she did. In a weird way, it gave her comfort knowing he was there and watching when she left, unless he was just making her feel comfortable so he would attack when she least expected it. Active imagination, she always had a very active imagination. Cam had to laugh at her thoughts, she was probably going crazy from all the overtime she did at the office. He was handsome and so tall. She knew he would tower over her and she liked that. Now that she thought about it, his mouth was not bad at all; full and kissable. She looked around like a fool in case she had just said that out loud although she knew she had not. No one can read your thoughts Cam, you are packing a whole lot of crazy right now, girl! Talking to herself didn’t help her cause.

In the shadows he smiled as he watched her walking towards her car and looking around as if someone was right next to her. He had to stop doing that to her or she would start to freak out and really report him to the authorities. His ability to leave his body and become a shadow was handy when he just wanted to be next to her and feel her presence close. “Shadow” as his friends have been calling him for 400 years loved the scent of her, and he really needed to get a life or finally say something to her.

He practiced in the dark corner the best way to approach her:

-Hi, I’m Shadow.

He shook his head. No. No.

-Hi, I’m Dante, and I think you are the most beautiful creature that has ever crossed my path. Marry me.

He laughed out loud at his last statement. I’m sure that would go well.
One more time.

-Hi, I’m Dante. Would you like to go out for coffee tomorrow after work?

Yes, that would work, unless she freaked out and ran screaming. He was a big guy, 6’4” and pure muscle. His shadow was smaller and less intimidating, but probably way scarier if you didn’t know.

He watched her walk to her car still, trying to gain the guts to talk to her, still fixated in her walk. She had the most incredible walk. Most women were not great walking on those high heels, but Cam was a natural. Her body swayed perfectly and her legs were lean and with enough muscle to know she’s be ok with being lifted into mid air while he…..Stop that! She’s not just a fuck toy. Well, maybe she wants to be a fuck toy. It doesn’t look like she’s been had in a long time; he’s never picked up “just had sex” scent from her. Nice Shadow, talking to yourself is really not going to win you points in the sane department. He was definitely glad his friends were not around to see him make a fool of himself. Finally, when got into her car safely he recalled his shadow and disappeared into the night. Tomorrow will be another day, and maybe he’d have the guts then.

E-isms - Diary 31

E-isms.

8:15am


E - Mom, Mom, Mom...your grandpa took his teeth out!!!!!
Do you think he can put that under the pillow and the toothfairy will give him a lot of money?

Me- E honey, I don't think so.

E - What a waste!!!!


8:45am

E - Mom, I've been trying to pull my teeth out but it's not working.
I want to be old people.

Me - No you don't honey. Just wait for them to fall out.

E - That sucks!

8:00pm

E - Mom, I've been thinking about it all day.
Do you think that your grandpa can let me borrow his teeth tonight?

Me - You've been thinking about this all day?

E - YES!!! Since the toothfairy won't come for him maybe I can make a little money.

...and that folks is my 7 year old darling, and his always negotiating mind.

Dear Universe - Diary 30

I was talking to my friend Lisa about writing a letter to the Universe.

Of course we took this from "Eat, Pray, Love".

My letter to the Universe would go something like this.....

Dear Miss Universe, wait, scratch that...

Dear Universe (don't want to mess with her OR him, not sure, so I'll just stick to not labeling her/him)

Ok here we go...

Dear Universe,

First I'd like to thank you for all the snow and cold you have sent our way. I'm in no way being sarcastic, but I am wondering why you felt the need to do this to us?
Oh, that would Dear Mother Nature huh? oooof

One more time.

Dear Universe,

I want to be happy, I want my family to be happy. I want health and love for my myself, my family, my friends and my followers (now don't say I have never done anything for you).

I would not mind having my body back, you know the one, pre-kids? yeah, you remember. It was an awesome body. I know it was pre-computer and pre-working a lot, and not taking care of myself, but I promise to change if you guarantee is coming back. I'll start right after I finish this milky way. I promise, but remember to give me a sign.

I'm going to throw it out there, but I wonder if there is a chance that Lisa and I can find a huge tub of melted chocolate so we can dive head first when we are pmsing? I want to add that the chocolate need not be hot, warm and bubbly will do. Maybe I should not write these letters when I'm pmsing, but it seems to be the time when I want to let out the most.

Menopause can totally take its time getting here, maybe I can beg you to divert it for say, ever? I don't want to get greedy with my requests, I just think menopause and premenopause can really just stick it!

Simply said, I want love, happiness, health, no menopause and a chocolate tub (with some strawberries to dip if possible).

Respectfully yours,

Sandra

Front and Center - Diary 29

Who are you? really.

Today I was asked to take a poll about friendships. The question was: If you know your friend is doing something wrong that is hurting his/her relationship with you and others. Do you tell him/her? Do you not tell them?

She wanted no "depends". It had to be yes or no. I was on the depends fence until I decided to either say yes or no.

I said YES. It's not always well received though. You can have the best of intentions and get slapped in the face. I'm sorry for anyone that has go through friendship crisis. They can consume you, specially if you truly are a good person and you not sure what to do. Noone wants to be mean and risk losing their friends. Everyone has feelings.

It got me thinking about my past relationships. You can totally put something so far in the back of your mind, yet one question can bring it all right back, front and center.

After a series of unfortunate events, I learned to be teflon and not sponge. People can be vicious, but I make no excuses, I let myself be dragged there, to the bottom of the pit. To be honest, I really wanted to be a part of a fun group, to fit in, to do what I've always read about; fun vacations, sharing books, sob stories, dreams...you get the point.
There is a very dark side to friendships, they can end in a very cruel way. Again, no excuses, I really had fun for a while.

Have you ever become so fascinated with a group of people that you know you best step off, but you just can't? That was me. Two years of it. But it wasn't all a waste. I did manage to salvage some friendships that were neglected while the saga was going on. I got my sanity back and I can't blame anyone for it going away.

I am lucky. My family always came first and they pulled me right back up. Eventually, I also pulled myself back up, and have not looked back, no need to regret anything. Experiences make you grow and become a better human being. I was a good person before, now I'm a better person that is a lot more guarded.

This is my story, my diary, not a literary gem. Just my experience, and I'm lucky. It's all going back to that place where I really don't need access to.

I love you - Diary 28

That is the man I love since I can remember!

He's 83, forgetfull and sometimes pretty lost.

He may not remember me at all soon, but I remember him always.

Next week I have to ask my boss if he'll allow me to work from home, so my mom can go take care of some things. I'm afraid to do the wrong thing, to not be good enough. I'm always afraid of not being good enough. The H is awesome in these situations and he always knows what to do, and what to help with.

This week I'll be working more hours because my co-worker will be on a WELL DESERVED vacation. I have to remember a bunch of things to do and after the first day it's all routine. I could have called the temp agency but teaching someone the routine takes longer than the week she's off.

We had a great dinner with friends last night. My friend J made strawberry short cake from scratch. It was so delicious as was the dinner I made (hee hee). I tried some Jamaican beer they brought but I still like blue moon with a slice of orange the best.

Jamaica here we come :)

Tripping - Diary 27

Every journey starts with a small step….

As does love.

Sometimes many steps later you need to start all over again. Small steps towards regaining the love you’ve lost.

Is it worth it?

Starting the steps, with new shoes and all?

Depends.

Where did you trip? At what point of your relationship did you start stumbling that you forgot to walk forward. You missed one step, then two, then you completely forgot where you were going.

Are we meant to be monogamous?

What a tricky question.

What do you think? Are we meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives?

Sometimes you can trip, but if you clean your shoes and keep going, is that ok? Will your shoes have signs of wear and tear?

When do you change shoes? Maybe it is best to not fix the shoes you have and keep going because, alterations can be dangerous. Mending is not always the best way to keep things the same.

I’ve been noticing a trend in the tripping department.

.......this is where it begins.

Remembering - Diary 26

All over the place. That’s how my mind feels lately. All over the place.

The weekend was slamming. I went out with friends into the city and had dinner at a fantastic French restaurant and went to some fun clubs. Some of those images will never leave my mind. Watching a 60 year old chick get her ass smacked is not my idea of a good time. Who am I kidding? I loved it.

I have been hanging out with my grandpa every day after work and I enjoy it for the most part.

Keeping a positive attitude is hard when the man you adore forgets he saw you yesterday. Everyday I get the opportunity to make a new fresh impression on him. He remembers the past and loves to talk about things, but today, five minutes ago, that’s gone in a flash. Swoosh, gone. I ask him a lot of questions about the past, about his childhood. I’m trying to get all the information I didn’t pay close attention to before.

There were 8 of them in the house and when his parents asked them to take a nap he would go to their room. To him it looked like a hospital. All the beds lined up one next to the other. Boys and girls. He said his prettiest sister was Josefina and I ask him, “do I look like her?” and he says “yes, you look just like her”. My dad says, “no, I heard you looked like his sister Maria” but my grandpa argues, “I knew my sisters, I know which she looks like and Josefina was the prettiest one”. I love it. My ego gets fed every night and as selfish as that may sound, I will take it. I need it right now.

He’s gone to my uncles house for the weekend. I’m sure they will be really nice to him, but I’ll miss my nightly visit to my moms house to spend a while “shooting the shit” and asking a million questions.

He still mentions his gf but less and less every day. He has sudden attack of “where am I?“ “why am I here?“, but not when I’m around. Maybe because I push him into another time, another place and he tells me stories. I feel like I want to tape him, write it all down. I don’t know what to do, but I want to do something.

V had his last day today. I will miss him so much. I wanted to give him something to remember me by so I got him a new James Patterson book that came out this week, and a funny card. I think he liked the gift and I hope he has fun reading his favorite author. Things are always changing, people are always moving on. Does it look bad that I don’t move on? Weak? Or can it be that I like what I do. A more positive attitude is what I have to acquire starting next week. Vs departure made me sad and maybe my attitude was not so good the past week.

A got to go out today and I think she had a good time. She didn’t come home as excited as she usually does, but I didn’t want to pry. Sometimes she can keep things to herself and share when she feels like it. She is planning for another party here next week and I’m glad. I hope they keep enjoying the house and the fun things they can do here.

I learned that my friend L lost her dad a few days ago. I’m so sorry for her, I’m not sure what else to say. I’m sorry you lost your dad and I’m glad you were there to spend time with him.

Well, more later.

BTW, I had such a bad day today I ate 3 godiva chocolates at the mall and bought a sound system for my husband for Valentines Day. At least I avoided the tattoo parlors, it was tempting. A big LOSER tattoo on my forehead. Nah, I shall come out VICTORIOUS, why? Because my grandpa thinks I’m amazing.

She loved him - Diary 24

Then….

She said she loved him forever.
She made sure she was the only one with him at all times.
She tried every which way to cut ties with the family.
She told me many times he was not around when he was.
She told him we didn't care.
She told him I never called, when I did.
She gossiped and lied to make everyone divided.
She caused all this trouble because she was afraid to be left alone.
She hurt my family and she hurt me. We let her.

Now….

She told more than one person she could not take it anymore.
She thought we’d help her with him.
She continues to lie.
She told everyone we didn’t care.
She stole.
She tried to dirty his name.
She made up conversations to be hurtful.
She didn’t count on me outing her.
She is all alone.
She will never see him again.
She’s 80 years old and not one person gives a shit about her.

One of the most important men in my life is with me again. I have the most conflicting feelings. If they (my dad and uncle) had brought him to live with us two years ago when I told them he was slipping, we could have enjoyed him healthier. Now he forgets everything. Not the past, he recalls that vividly. The present, that he saw you, that he hugged you, that, he forgets within minutes.

In the last week I’ve had to repeat my kids age, where they are, where my husband is, where I was about 100 times. Yet I cut his nails on Monday, and when I asked him on Tuesday and Wednesday who cut his nails, he says. Well, you did!. Exercise the mind I say and, I get laughed at.

He remembers riding his bike with me on it when I was 4 and 5. He recalls clearly taking me to the nun school everyday and how much I loved the bike ride. How happy we were together. He remembers what a wonderful man my husband is, how much he loves me, and how he taught me to cook. He eats my cooking and makes me feel like I could own a 5 star restaurant. He always did that for me. Made me feel special and yet, I abandoned him for years because I just didn’t fight hard enough to have him around. He mentioned her twenty times a day the first few days because he doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t realize her mind is fine and she’s sick of him. I wonder how happy she’ll be with her mind intact and all alone, yet for the first few days he missed her and wanted to call her all the time. Yesterday he only mentioned her twice and none when I was around. Maybe he sensed that I don’t like hearing her name, but I will not be disrespectful and say something mean.

My kids are happy with him here. I told E that grandpa didn’t have any friends right now so he went over and played with grandpa. Unfortunately E doesn’t like to speak Spanish so he’s found a way for them to understand each other. Grandpa has been a kid at heart for as long as I remember. A loves playing cards which means she’s found her perfect partner. Grandpa played cards with me a zillion times. Exercise the mind I say, and I get laughed at.

Today I get to do it all over again, and I don’t mind it one bit as long as he remembers riding his bike with me on it and taking me to school.

To be continued….

Simply Positive - Diary 23

True words aren't eloquent;
Eloquent words aren't true;
Wise men don't need to prove their point;
Men who need to prove their point aren't wise.
Tao Te Ching~


get it? got it? good.


"I once was lost, but now I'm found......"

I really like how Cecilia Grace and the whales sing it.

I am a walking contradiction.

The last 5 minutes before you go to bed are the most important 5 minutes of the day - I just found that out today.

I don't care what YOU think about me. I think I'm pretty awesome.

Quote me a river - Diary 22

"If trying harder doesn't work, try softer ~ Lily Tomlin

"When before the beauty of a sunset or mountain, you pause and exclaim,'Ah,'you are participating in divinity."
~ Joseph Campbell


Sometimes we find quotes that say what we can't.

There is always someone who wants to critize your writing.

"Don't be so humble, you are not that big of a deal"
One of the best sarcastic quotes I've read.

“There are no regrets in life, just lessons.” ain't that the truth? Unfortunately there are those who don't take those lessons and run. Run for godsakes.

"Friends are like roses...you have to look out for the pricks!" Ha! that's all.

Want to watch the Time Travelers Wife as soon as it comes out on DVD. I need a seriously good romance story.

One day my favorite writer will come to me for ideas, or not.

Random shit rules!

Stomach aches don't!

Nip/Tuck is one of the best shows. Nuts I tell you.

"You can't rattle my cage because I'm not a caged animal"~SM

Poof!

I now know - Diary 21

I now know, after watching House last night that I was friends with a Psychopath and didn't know it. Someone with no feelings or guilt, someone that manipulated situations and people in order to get his way. I was so shocked, yet relieved to figure this out. I'm glad we are not friends anymore. It was emotionally draining, mentally draining, psychologically draining, you get my drift. Maybe seeing similar tendecies in others is what has made me scared of friendships. Someone who would change the story so quickly and well, you'd believe anything from him.

-This is what my friend D called me to say last night. I had to go on HULU and wait for the episode to get posted, watch and I totally got it. Everyone knows someone that manipulates the story, situation and people and has no guilt. I've always stood by "if I know how the person is, then I know how much I can trust them (or not), and I know how long I can deal with it".
Still, I thought it was so funny to get a phone call like that at 10pm. I knew a Psychopath.....silence......ok. We all need help and we all can act psycho one day or another, right?



I was not feeling well yesterday. I was upset, sad, frustrated, pissy, tired, moody and my boobs hurt. I got home after I picked up my son, took off my clothes and got into bed. I didn't move from there until 7pm. My son checked on me twice to see if I was breathing I think. I could not go to sleep either because....my brain kept going 120 miles per minute. I hate it when you re-live moments or conversations in your mind and you can't change the outcome. You want to tell someone to piss off or fuck off but you don't. You want to explain yourself but end up sounding like a fool. Again. And again. And yet again. Good news, my sugar was pretty low afterwards. Must have been all those meals I missed yesterday.

A and the H were doing fine on their own. The H came up, took a look at me and left. He proceeded to make some tortellinis because that is as far as his cooking skills go (I know he can cook, he just doesn't want to). A did her homework and then around 6:30 came to lay down next to me and watch TV while I hid under the covers. Promptly at 7, I got up, shook it off and went down to finish dinner. A made brownies and I had one (ok 2) after watching Castle.

I realized that if I were not around, my family would do just fine. That if I take some time for myself, it is not going to kill them or me. I won't suck as a mom if I don't always have it together and the laundry always done. GOOOOOODDDDDD I hate it when the laundry piles up.

I love my family, but I love that they can handle life if I'm not around. I may hide today again. Who knows.

Yeap, this was all about me.

Peace out!

Thanks my sweet stalker....

Let yourself bloom - Diary 20

I read yesterday a great blog written by my friend Izzy and I started to think more on the subject. Yes, I could have written a long ass comment but I just limited myself to a small funny (or trying to be funny) one. I do tend to use humor when I find the subject a little complex. I don’t know how to do colorful links and sh** but here is a link to her article - http://www.megsmumbo.blogspot.com/. On the blog find -Ask Izzy and you are good to go bich**.

She keeps her identity there anonymous because that’s how she rolls.

The subject if I got it right is changing for your next relationship. I’m still in the same one after 22 years so I hope I don’t have to go through this. BUT, I can offer some observations as an avid Millionaire Matchmaker watcher. Yes, I said it. I watch that crap, so what? You gonna judge? (Good grammar there) Well, go right ahead, because most likely I’m judging you back. I’m aggressive today, must be the caffeine and lack of sugar. Makes me itchy or bitchy. Either or.

I believe that we can always learn from a past relationship. If our ears and nose are forever growing (according to my daughters bio book, or was it her health book, whatever), then we are forever changing. We should be changing all the time. I don’t want to be the easy no chapter book to be read. I want to have chapter, hidden stories, mystery, sex, some drama, to be continued…etc.

The Millionaire Matchmaker chick says no sex for three months when you enter a relationship (and my very good friend B agrees with her). Having sex early on makes the other person only think of you a sex object and not as someone they are connected with mentally. My opinion is that, if they are thinking of you in a sexual way, they are connected mentally with you, right? Ok, moving on. I believe in body chemistry, spark. This for me applies, especially if you are over 25. If you meet someone and they just make you alive all over, you should totally jump their bones. Do you think cavemen waited three months? No, if their dirty ass penis rose up, they went for it. Are you always YOU when you meet someone new? I think we all have an act we follow. We are at our best behavior, groomed to the hilt, checking out teeth 5 times after we eat, and smiling at jokes we would ordinarily bleh.

People say, stay true to yourself. Do any of us know who we really are? I see so much confusion in people. We are all always looking for an answer, and who you are for sure today may change tomorrow if something tragic happens. We are evolving, moving, confused, amazed, angered or sad. I am not the same person my husband married. I am not the same person I was two years ago. My values have not shifted, my love has grown, my commitment is solid still, but I’m not the same person. Relationships are never going to be 50/50 and you are fool if you think they are. Someone is always giving more and it changes with our day to day.

Be true to love, not yourself. Be friends first, that’s always better. Be seduced and seduce. Take a million chances if you failed 999,999 of them. Be open always, and even if you get hurt, get up and try again. As I type this I’m changing, I’m evolving. I’m realizing that I have closed myself to friends and people around me. Going to think of myself as a flower that is opening up towards the sun and will let soul be filled with sunshine and love. Don’t try to be a bee and come all up in my business will ya? Pervs.


Peace and love

Lick a bowl - Diary 19

I went to CVS today and noticed all the water bottles by the door. Hundreds of water bottles that slowly but surely will be sold by next week.

I come home and watched the news and see the horror of the victims in Haiti fighting and killing each other for the same water bottles I just saw right by a door unsupervised.

Fu**ing A! I felt guilty lifting a bottle to my lips and thought, what a country we live in! A water bottle is overlooked and tossed half drunk aside while others kill for it.

As I got ready for bed I thanked whomever was listening for my kids, husband, family and friends being safe on this night and all the nights we’ve been safe from harm.

All we really need money for is a roof over our head, clothing and food. You need love too but you should not be buying it.

Be thankful we are here and have enough to eat and more than enough to drink. Help someone tomorrow. Donate food, clothing to people who need it. Find out how you can contribute to a cause that will make a difference.

My birthday was great yesterday. My family came over and I cooked (my mom too). Made some red velvet cupcakes with frosting that everyone devoured. I saved two for my friends at work D and V. I knew both would enjoy it!!.

I got some ‘banging presents and some beautiful flowers from my 3 year old nephew, cause he woves me.

Both my kids made me breakfast and they were delicious. Thank god the first one was a fiber cereal, cause by the time I got the bacon and eggs I was thankful for the extra help…ewww nasty!

Have a great night kiddies, lick a bowl if you can. It’s liberating.

Stop and Breathe often - Diary 18

One event can change everything.

Having the diabetes scare helped me face my fear of change. I had to change less things that I thought, but in my mind the change was going to be huge that is why I could not bear it before. Our mind plays an awful lot of tricks on us. The last couple of years felt like I’ve been learning about life and people. We all make at least one or two bad choices a year and it seems that, at the moment, life as we know it is over. Maybe it is, but we get over it, move on and start fresh. That’s the cool thing about being an individual; you can transform yourself and change whenever you feel like it. I neglected to pay attention to that; I was too busy worrying about everyone else, I took an extended leave of absence on my individuality.

What I realized is that I don’t need to do 10 things at once because I never finish any of them or it takes me too long to finish them. I’ve taught myself to STOP, REWIND, SLOW DOWN, PICK ONE THING and go with it. I’m getting more done because I’ve slowed down the process. I focus on one thing at a time and I get it done so much better. Be it cooking, working, cleaning, the kids, the husband, I’ve stopped trying to do everything at once. I’m trying to do less and making it count.

Same goes with life in general. Sometimes it feels like days just come, go and you have nothing to show for it. I’m turning 41 and it dawned on me that I really should not let days come and go. I’m not saying I can control time; I’ll just control what I do with the time I have.
Next time you are doing 3 things at once and you get stressed out and get all overwhelmed. STOP. BREATHE. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND RELAX (unless one of those things is driving). Take a deeeeeep breath and pick ONE of the three things and finish it. You will feel so much better and I promise you, it will all get done!

Stop and breathe often, you might see something you never saw before and it may make you smile.


Peace out my loves (specially my beautiful stalker who is travelling today)

Looking back at you - Diary 17

What do you do when what you see in the mirror is not what everyone else sees?

Distorted images can be the hardest thing to overcome. What is real? What they see or what you see? You wake up one morning and who you see looking back at you is bright, beautiful, and happy. The next day, you see a completely different person and you stop looking, you move away quickly, not wanting to see the details. How can we be so many different people to ourselves but only one to the outside world? The truth is that we have to get up in the morning and say – Today I am better than yesterday – and then look in the mirror and smile. It doesn’t matter that our hair looks like we just had a fight with a mountain lion and the bags under our eyes are so pronounced you can use them for shopping. Seeing past all that into our core is where you should aim. If I don’t put my glasses on before I go to the bathroom I find myself getting so close to the mirror I’m practically nose to glass. The tiny red lines in my eyes are scary and my hair is wild and not necessarily in a good way.

I’m the person that walks past a large mirror and says UGH to the reflection and keeps walking. I have stopped that and now just smile at the person facing back at me. Poor thing only shows when I walk by a mirror, otherwise she’s hiding inside bored to tears. How rude of me to make a face at her when all she wants to do is look back and see a smile. Seriously, think of your reflection as a friend that needs love and affection. Someone who only wants what is best for you, a true friend. She might be your best friend…bff…or bffff as kids say. Give her/him thumbs up! Wink if you feel inclined. Don’t overdo it and flash her because you might get into a bit a trouble; unless you are home and then you should let go. You’ll see how jealous the other reflections will get of your relationship. Everyone will be wondering what you two have going on and why you are so happy every time you see each other. Make her feel special and put on some makeup once in a while so she can see how pretty you feel. She’ll do the same for you and you can both look at each other and examine the great art work. She’ll tell you if your mascara is running or if your eyeliner does that dotted line thing now that you are 40 and nothing is as smooth as it used to be.

Do you have to do that yet? Stretch your eye out a bit to get the eyeliner perfect or else it looks like you just did a dotted line? No eyes lift for either of you yet, you can hold off on all that unnatural stuff until she tells you it’s time for a touchup or two. Nip/Tuck has scared the crap out of us but we still practice stretching our face in all directions to see if you can go back to 25. Doubtful but this is between the two of you so who’s going to rat you out? She won’t, she never would. Anything you tell her stays between the two of you.

So go out and hug your reflection. Say thank you for sticking with you all your life. Treat your reflection kindly, you never know when you are going to need her to blow you a kiss back. Amazing how she can do that, blow you a kiss back.

Have a great Tuesday! ;)

Btw WHY IS IT THAT I CAN ONLY SEE TWO BLOGS WHEN I CLICK NEXT BLOG? Did I click something wrong again?

That is that - Diary 16

Concentrate on this Sentence...

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence...

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

According to my friend god can do to me what he/she will and i just have to take it and like it....and forward to 5 friends of my life will suck. OY


There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Someone sent me this today and I thought I should share.
That last sentence made me a little sad and I don't totally agree with it, but meh, I'm not going to dwell on it anymore.

What a crazy but fun weekend. A had a bunch of friends over. Thet played pool/pingpong/watched video and then 2 of her friends who are going to perform in the AIDA production at the school, gave me my own private concert! It was so much fun to listen to such talent. Those boys will go far. I made them some red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, YUM. Great kids, I'm so glad my daughter has found her 'group' of friends and that they are good to eachother.

Dance with me.....

Paranoid – Diary 15

Not sure how I did this but I was following myself. Now that's nuts. Took me 10 minutes to figure out how to un-follow me. Did I just diss myself?

When I was feeling sick and was sure I was going to die on the spot (insert some dramatic music here), I used to not lock the bathroom door at work in case I keeled over and only had seconds to live. I wanted to make sure someone could come in quickly and not have to bother with a locked door. Very practical, yes I am. Today, I did lock the door. I am feeling so much better since I let go of a lot of things I didn’t realize were so damaging to me. I won’t say I have not cheated a little (not in the soda department). My daughter brought back these amazing alfajores with dulce de leche that are so hard to resist. Overdid on that department but that was yesterday and the day before. As of today, that is done! No more giving into temptation. SELF CONTROL. Yes, self control.

I was reading my Snapple cap yesterday and it said that the brain is 80% water. I found that interesting since sometimes we say…I’m drowning (when we are upset). What happens is that your thoughts are under water, you only have 20% water free capacity and that does not make for a lot of space (unless you have a huge head). There, problem solved. Nothing is wrong with you, just stop thinking, you don’t have the room for it. I read on another one that a good egg floats in water but a bad egg will sink. Is that why people say “he’s a bad egg”, cause dude can’t float? I’m getting to the bottom of these things.

Both my brothers are getting married this year! Yey! A huge part of me is so happy that they are and a small part of me feels a little sad that they will not be just my little brothers anymore. They will now be grown ass men with wives (and kid). I hope that as they build their families we will all still be close.

How do we feel about 2009 being in the past right now? I have conflicting feelings.

Do you ever hate a company because you really don’t like someone that works for it? I totally banned (can't say name) because I really dislike a guy that works for them. How childish but funny is that? I happen to love the commercials where (can't say name) is being talked smack about. I just can’t help it. Now that I have actually typed that out, I feel much better. What a cleansing experience.

Take care everyone and remember: an apple a day keeps the dr. away. Stay away from drugs and girls with severe PMS.

Handbook for 2010 - Diary 14

1.Drink plenty of water. (and pee often)
2.Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. (ha)
3.Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..(be a bird and eat worms too)
4.Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy (whew I live with an E already and I like him more than those other 3 e's)
5.Make time to pray. (if that's your thing)
6.Play more games. (oh yeah, some of you are great at that)
7.Read more books than you did in 2009. (TONS)
8.Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. (while you pee after you drink all that freaking water)
9.Sleep for 7 hours. (good luck getting me to sleep that much)
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk,
smile. (freak)
11.Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea
what their journey is all about. (just be your single white female self, no problem)
12.Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. (my negative thoughts are too boring)
13.Don't over do. Keep your limits. (ha ha ha)
14.Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. (true that, but sometimes people do have gems to talk about)
16.Dream more while you are awake.
17.Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.(I DO, two amazing kids, a handsome man, great family, friends, sweet dog and beautiful fish....and my beautiful stalker)
18.Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner.
with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. (he's perfect)
19.Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. (yeah don't be a hater)
20.Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. (piece of cake)
21.No one is in charge of your happiness except you. (that's what I thought)
22.Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and ade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. (some people are too stupid to get algebra)
23.Smile and laugh more. (I've been laughing at what I WANTED to write in the parenthesis, but didn't)
24.You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..... (you're wrong bitch)
25.Call your family often.
26.Each day give something good to others.
27.Forgive everyone for everything.(even you bitch)
28.Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under
the age of 6.
29.Try to make at least three people smile each day. (I do, make it 4 and 5 and 6, I'm a regular comedian)
30.What other people think of you is none of your business. (nope, but I know you still want to know)
31.Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.
Your friends will. Stay in touch. (bullshit, but YOU know that, don't ya?)
32.Do the right thing! (please do)
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or
joyful. (Oh yeah, I did that)
34.GOD heals everything. (she does)
35.However good or bad a situation is, it will change.(yes, it can get worse)
36.No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. (some should just stay home)
37.The best is yet to come....(can't wait)
38.When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.(yeah, ok)
39.Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. (I am happy)

January already - Diary 13

It’s already the 3rd. of January. Where does time go? I know, it passes while you paint, clean, organize and totally make the dream bedroom for a 13 year old. I do hope she likes it. A lot of time and effort went into this project. A lot of questions in the past months about favorite colors and would you rather this or that or the other thing. Telling her we could not afford to do anything right now, to have patience. I am almost done! I feel like one of those TV shows that have a certain amount of days to finish a project and we are on deadline, she arrives Tuesday morning and I work until 7 on Monday. Today is it for me! The H made her a wonderful closet with huge drawers and shelves for her shoes and purses on the side and in the center for whatever she wants. To be used for displays (HATS) or sweaters. I’m more in love with her room than she might be. I organized all of her jewelry, lip glosses, perfumes, hair pins and the bag of lollipops she had hidden in the drawer. Bet she didn’t think I’d find that. I did find a diary under her pillow (she knows I’m the one that changes the bed so what was she thinking?) I didn’t read it though; I just put it in her nightstand drawer. If she wanted me to read it I’m sure she would have shown it to me. We must always have some kind of privacy! I won’t say I wasn’t curious, but I had already invaded enough. I’m going to let her decide what she leaves in her huge dresser and what she transfers to the closet. That kid has way too much crap and clothes.

I’ll post some pictures when it’s done. I’m sure there are at least 3 of you who will be interested in the final outcome.

I figured out how to add the numbers back on my G3. It only took me going to the T-Mobile website and typing them in. Now they are all added, well not all, I deleted numbers that I know I will probably never use again. Have you noticed how you add all sorts of numbers that you probably only used once? I’m not calling the city hall anytime soon or that Indian place that had sucky food. Gone and gone! I had a list a mile long and when I took a good look, I don’t really call many people (shut up my beautiful stalker, I know I have to call you back).

15 days until I turn 41. Am I ready? You know, I’m not really sure. The H wants me to have a party at the house but I’m not sure. Part of me wants to and the other is freaking out about thinking what to serve and if people will like it. There is alcohol in the house, we never drink it. I can cook a ton of little things and even make me a birthday cake. I have this wonderful recipe from my friend Irene that I tried a couple of times and everyone liked. Red Velvet cake, yum. I’ll share the recipe if anyone is interested. Anyone? Anyone?

I’ve been stalking some blogs again and found some really sweet ones. Women do love to blog! There was one from a girl who moved to Vienna with her husband and how she rather be there than in the US. Loved it! She had some really cute stories to tell and beautiful scenic pictures to share.

Well, back to the kids’ room! I can’t wait to be done and show it off. The H is an amazing man. The things he does for us to make us happy make him a jewel. Baked him a ton of chocolate chip cookies and then this spinach/meat pie he loves a lot. I try to thank him always the best way I know how.

Peace out kiddies!